"The CHANGE"??!! Yeah, I'd say ......

Okay, so, I'm one of those people who SHARES my feelings, problems, etc., so if that makes you uncomfortable then you should STOP READING right now.  I REFUSE to apologize for being who I am, & I AM a "sharing" kind of person.
I'm 47 years old, have a 27 year old daughter & a 3 year old granddaughter.  I also have a list of chronic health issues & due to that I am on disability & no longer able to work.  {I was a nurse for almost 20 years.}  I discovered about 2 years ago that I am going through MENOPAUSE!!  At first I was sort of happy .... I mean, no more periods?! .... HOORAY!!  But, now that I am experiencing all of the other .... *ahem* .... "JOYS" of menopause I am DEFINITELY NOT HAPPY!!  At least, I THINK, these are due to menopause, though I'm not sure because I have discovered that none of my doctors, {who, I might add, are all MEN}, seem to be the least bit concerned about my complaints.  But LADIES, how would you feel if you were overweight & struggling to lose it, the hair on your head,{which used to be full, thick, & is naturally curly .... I used to consider it my best feature}, was thinning & your hairline was receding, your eyelashes, {which also used to be one of my best features, because they used to be REALLY REALLY LONG}, were thinning & falling out & barely noticeable now, & your eyebrows, at least half of them, were also thinning, AND you have hot flashes that make you sweat like a Florida construction worker??!!  It's a really frightening feeling, not to mention REALLY EMBARRASSING, especially when you're almost 50 years old & SINGLE!!  What man would want a woman who looks like I do now?!  Oh yeah, you can spout all your comments & advice about how I'm a good person, smart, funny, blah, blah, blah .... but let's face it, humans, & men especially, are VERY SUPERFICIAL!!  Since we can't see right into a person's heart, mind, & soul, we judge them right away by how they LOOK, right?!  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, I just don't.  I want a man to love me & make me feel special.  I feel like everywhere I look everyone but me has someone that treats them like they are their "one & only".  There's a saying, "to the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world".  THAT is what I want!!  When I tell  my doctors they say, "you're going through menopause", blah, blah, blah.  When they test me for a thyroid issue the blood tests always come back normal, & surprisingly the last time they tested my hormone levels they were also normal!!  SERIOUSLY?!  
So, there, it's out there.  The worst problem in that list is the SWEATING!!  It seriously makes me think not just twice, but three, four, etc., times before I ever leave the house to go ANYWHERE.  I have stopped going to church because it has always been, {to me at least}, REALLY REALLY WARM in there, even before this unbearable sweating started, so I can't even imagine how it would be for me now.  Oh, and I am also on 3 medications that cause INCREASED SWEATING, plus fibromyalgia, {one of  my health issues}, can also cause hot flashes, because it's sort of like your body's temperature gauge is broken.  GREAT!!
Don't judge me.  Don't call me "vain".  I'm human, that's all.

R.I.P. Gaylene K. Callus!!

Gaylene K. Callus ~ December 12, 1961 ~ April 14, 2009 ......  my dear friend, 2 years ago today you went to be with Our Lord.  I miss you every day, even though I know you're pain-free & at peace now.

"  And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead & buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer.  First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word.  Since Jesus died & broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus."   ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, MSG.

Gaylene, I can also rest in peace here on Earth knowing that I WILL see you again some day.   <3

Where do I fit in?!

This is not something I share with very many people, but I think possibly God wants me to share it with someone, so hear goes.  I very often do not feel that I "fit" anywhere, with anyone .... well, with the exception of 2 very special people who are a very real part of me.  And yes, that includes most of my family.  I have no real friends in the county I live in, because most people in my age group aren't in my situation.  I'm 47 years old, divorced, with one 27 year old, married daughter & one 3 year old granddaughter.  I am unable to work & am on disability due to several chronic health conditions.  {I don't like saying that without clarifying what kind of conditions for fear people who don't know me well will think I'm contagious or dying or something .... I'm not.}  I have many very dear old friends that keep in touch with me, but none of them live anywhere nearby.  It's difficult, if not close to impossible, for me to get anywhere easily as I was forced to give up my car when I became unable to work any longer.  I'm not really all that shy, so it's not that I don't try to meet people as best as I can, it just seems that people aren't interested in me or something.  Most people are polite & friendly, but that's about it.  I was, for a time, fairly involved in what I still consider to be my church, but something, {sadly}, changed .... for me at least.  I felt happy at church, like I was among good friends, & then a woman, {who I thought was my friend}, & her young family, left to go to a different church.  I attempted to contact her & her husband via email, but have never gotten any response.  I attended several really fun church activities, & ended up sitting alone .... except for a few minutes when my pastor joined me to say hello.  It seemed like then suddenly I was sitting all alone at church .... often with several chairs between me & groups of seemingly new people.  Admittedly, there are many Sundays when I am unable to attend church, {much to my dismay}, due to either health issues or transportation issues .... but still, it was so humiliating & hurtful.  So, I sort of  .... stopped going to church altogether.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't really a conscious decision, & I still get my church clothes ready most Saturday nights, but .... it seems like Sunday morning rolls around & I just can't bring myself to go.  I mean, just imagine .... you go to church despite your fatigue & pain, you sit alone & the most anyone says to you is "hello", then you start sweating profusely due to health issues & several medications .... does that sound enjoyable to you?!  The only other thing that is available in our very small area that I enjoy is the library, {we have one small used book store .... that's it!}, a place I am at quite often.  Yes, I could volunteer or join the "friends of the library" group .... except there doesn't seem to be anyone of my age there.  I am so tired of being lonely & alone.  I have been praying about this for what seems like forever, with no answer in sight.  I don't wish to spend the remainder of my life alone. I do quite often feel that no man would want me.  Why would they when I have a list of chronic health problems that make my life difficult, & I can't work, or do much of anything some days, any more?!  I also feel like, what person would want to start a friendship with someone in my situation?!  Can you just imagine how much fun I can be some days?!  I've thought a lot about moving .... but how?!  I have no car & I'm on a small, fixed income.  I feel trapped & alone & like God either doesn't hear me or for some reason unknown to me is testing me & I'm failing repeatedly. I do believe, though, on my good days, that I still have a lot to offer someone .... either for a love relationship or a friendship.  I just need someone else to discover this fact, too.
So, there's my sad story.  Does anyone care?  I have no idea.  Maybe someone will pray for me?

World's Best Daughter ......

Okay, I know I've said this many, many times before, but I'm gonna say it again .... my daughter is the WORLD'S BEST DAUGHTER!!  Seriously, she is.  I raised her as a single parent, & there were many times when money was tight & we couldn't afford things, but she NEVER EVER complained.  When she was JUST 15 years old she got a part-time job to buy her own school clothes, etc.  When she was a few years older I bought a brand new car, which we shared, & she worked part-time in order to help me make the car payments.  AND she did all of this while taking AP & Honors classes & making really good grades, AND she was on the Swim Team & the Water Polo Team!  We didn't exactly eat gourmet meals, either, but she never complained about that.  She cleaned her bedroom, her bathroom, & helped me take care of our dog, Gretchen, a miniature dachshund who had SEVERE separation anxiety as a puppy .... if you have ever experienced that you KNOW what I'm talking about!!  It's NOT good at all!!  When we shared a car she dropped me off at work at 6:45 am & then drove to school, then picked me up after work.  She NEVER complained.  When she was out of HS she lived with me & worked full-time, quite often double shifts & days off, to help me pay the bills, & we STILL shared a car.  She knew that I had several chronic illnesses, such as Crohn's disease, fibromyalgia, & arthritis, & that working 40 hours a week was hard enough for me & that it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to work any overtime.  Oh, & she took classes at the comm. college & paid for them HERSELF, too!!  When I got really sick & was unable to work any more, she KNEW that our only option was to move from Orlando, FL, where all of her friends lived, to Homosassa, FL, a VERY small town, to live with my parents.  She SAID it was fine with her & that she was happy to be moving there, with her grandparents, me, & 2 of her male cousins .... I'm pretty sure she was fibbing.  LoL!!  BUT .... she STILL didn't complain .... at least not to me.  During that illness I had to go to LOTS of doctor's appts., & she and/or my mother always accompanied me & assisted me with a "procedure" that was VERY painful for me, & I'm sure for them as well.  Basically, she has ALWAYS been there for me WHENEVER I have needed her, & she STILL IS!!  Even when she was in HS she would NEVER have dreamed of abandoning me, if & when I needed her,  for her friends or for anything.
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH MY BABY GIRL!!  

Thank you Kimblee dear!!

OH, just LOOK at my new blog!!  Don't you LOVE it?!  And it's all thanks to my super-smart, sweet, amazing niece Kimberly!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you Kimblee dear!!  I love you & your beautiful little family so much!!  And thanks for always having such great advice for me .... filled with truth, love, & lots of wisdom, & all from the Holy Spirit, through you, to me!!

Waiting for my Prince Charming!

Hello to anyone who follows my blog!  I certainly hope that your life is going much better than I feel mine is.  I just can't seem to find much joy or happiness in my life, or even much to be grateful for.  I mean, I know that I'm alive, I have a home with food on the table & all of my needs are being met, except one .... love.  Well, sure, my parents, sisters, daughter, granddaughter, & other family members love me, but .... I NEED a man in my life to love me, cherish me, & be with me till death do us part.  I had that, several times in fact, with the same man, but I blew it.  I REALLY blew it!  And now, my health isn't getting any better, I'm stuck in this ridiculously small county where there is mostly old people & families with young children.  There are hardly any single people over 40 here, apparently.  My pastor even confirmed he felt the same way when I asked about a singles group at church.  WONDERFUL.  I pray about this EVERY SINGLE DAY, to no avail!  I wonder, does God answer us or send us messages through our dreams?!  My personal thought is yes, He does, at least I think He does for me.  I have the most vivid dreams that seem so real even after I first wake up.  Really strange dreams, too.  They usually make no sense at all.   The thing is, I've tried joining online dating groups, & I go to church as often as my health allows, but I am on disability & unable to work.  And then, there's the biggest problem .... I already know the man I want, the man I still love & always will, but I don't think he wants me that way any more.  And I can't say that I blame him really.  We still keep in touch, sort of.  I hear from his mother & his sister fairly often, online & on the phone, several times a week.  I feel stuck.  I don't have a car & I can't support myself on what I get from SSI, & I would love to stay close to my daughter & granddaughter .... so, what do I do?!  WHAT DO I DO NOW?!  I heard a song the other day that nearly took my breath away because it seemed to be speaking straight from my heart .... "Nobody Knows", I forget who the singer is though, but it's a country song.  {It's on my facebook.}  It says things like "I'm dyin' inside & nobody knows it but me!"  & "I'm missin' you & nobody knows it but me!"  Oh how I wish that God would answer my prayer & bring me SOMEBODY who loves me & wants to be with me, & who is willing to work hard & commit our relationship to God as a covenant & NOT a breakable contract!!  Somebody who is willing to stand up against anyone who tries to get between us or who refuses to treat me right.  I want someone to hold me, someone to take a picture for our yearly Christmas cards, someone for me to take care of & love, someone to share my most intimate & private thoughts with, someone for me to listen to, someone to snuggle up to on cold nights, someone to take trips & vacations with .... oh Heavenly Father, PLEASE bring me a man to love who will love me back!!

IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT ??

Okay, so we're about 3 1/2 weeks away from Christmas. I wish I could say I'm TOTALLY feeling the true Christmas Spirit right now, but that would be lying. My body hurts & feels like it's made of lead, I'm tired & sleepy ALL of the time lately, I can't seem to get a handle on my attempts to lose weight & have a healthier lifestyle, & mostly I'm depressed, lonely, sad, etc. I know there will be people, {well,if anyone even reads this}, who say "How can a person be lonely when they live with family members?" .... it's possible.  I don't fault them at all.  They love me & I love them, but we don't have anything in common, no real "connection" besides the fact that we're biologically related.  My parents are senior citizens & they have their own lives, & my nephews are young & have their own lives, too.  Me .... for the most part I don't have a life.  Not one to speak of anyway.  I do go to church as often as I am physically & emotionally able. I used to have what I considered to be some good friends at church, but some of them left for a different church & the others .... I don't know.  I guess they're around, but I sit alone & people say "hello", & I get a hug & lots of love from my pastor. I'm sorry, but it's just not enough.  I NEED someone who loves ME & wants to BE WITH ME.  I NEED someone that I can love back, someone that I want to BE WITH.    I have no real friends here in Homosassa, just my church friends. 
I pray A LOT .... pretty  much continuously. I BELIEVE that the Lord KNOWS what's in my heart & I BELIEVE that He has a plan for me .... I just wish I knew WHAT that plan was & WHEN it will start coming to life for me.  I have family that I love, & I know they love me, too. I have a beautiful daughter & precious granddaughter that I love very, very much; & a stepdaughter & 3 beautiful grandbabies that I also love; & 4 sisters, 3 brothers-in-law, & 6 nieces & nephews, plus my parents. I am still very close to my ex-husband & his family .... I still consider them to be my family & I love them all very much. {As a matter of fact, I believe we're closer NOW than we were in the beginning}.  The thing is, I always imagined myself being married FOREVER & having my children & grandchildren close by where I could see them as often as I liked.  There are times when I just can't help but think that there MUST be something WRONG with ME!  I have regrets, LOTS of regrets, but you can't go back.  I'm currently reading, {almost finished reading}, a book called "The Christmas List" by Richard Paul Evans.  It's a GREAT book for this season & has really got me thinking about my life....about the people I've hurt & the mistakes I've made.

I really just DON'T want to spend the rest of my life alone.  To be specific: I want a MAN who loves me that I can love back & that I can, {with God's help, of course}, do whatever it takes to make our relationship work for as long as we both shall live.  There is one concern I have regarding finding a man, & that is: what man would want to spend his life with a woman whose health is poor & who is in pain & is tired all of the time?  I mean, I can lose weight, & I will, & I believe that I'm a good person & somewhat intelligent & I know how to take care of myself & others; but .... my health is "fragile", {for lack of a better word}.  All I want for Christmas is someone who loves ME for ME & who will allow ME to love THEM, too!

MUCH LOVE & MANY BLESSINGS,

Melissa / Missy / Mom / Mimi  :)