This is not something I share with very many people, but I think possibly God wants me to share it with someone, so hear goes. I very often do not feel that I "fit" anywhere, with anyone .... well, with the exception of 2 very special people who are a very real part of me. And yes, that includes most of my family. I have no real friends in the county I live in, because most people in my age group aren't in my situation. I'm 47 years old, divorced, with one 27 year old, married daughter & one 3 year old granddaughter. I am unable to work & am on disability due to several chronic health conditions. {I don't like saying that without clarifying what kind of conditions for fear people who don't know me well will think I'm contagious or dying or something .... I'm not.} I have many very dear old friends that keep in touch with me, but none of them live anywhere nearby. It's difficult, if not close to impossible, for me to get anywhere easily as I was forced to give up my car when I became unable to work any longer. I'm not really all that shy, so it's not that I don't try to meet people as best as I can, it just seems that people aren't interested in me or something. Most people are polite & friendly, but that's about it. I was, for a time, fairly involved in what I still consider to be my church, but something, {sadly}, changed .... for me at least. I felt happy at church, like I was among good friends, & then a woman, {who I thought was my friend}, & her young family, left to go to a different church. I attempted to contact her & her husband via email, but have never gotten any response. I attended several really fun church activities, & ended up sitting alone .... except for a few minutes when my pastor joined me to say hello. It seemed like then suddenly I was sitting all alone at church .... often with several chairs between me & groups of seemingly new people. Admittedly, there are many Sundays when I am unable to attend church, {much to my dismay}, due to either health issues or transportation issues .... but still, it was so humiliating & hurtful. So, I sort of .... stopped going to church altogether. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't really a conscious decision, & I still get my church clothes ready most Saturday nights, but .... it seems like Sunday morning rolls around & I just can't bring myself to go. I mean, just imagine .... you go to church despite your fatigue & pain, you sit alone & the most anyone says to you is "hello", then you start sweating profusely due to health issues & several medications .... does that sound enjoyable to you?! The only other thing that is available in our very small area that I enjoy is the library, {we have one small used book store .... that's it!}, a place I am at quite often. Yes, I could volunteer or join the "friends of the library" group .... except there doesn't seem to be anyone of my age there. I am so tired of being lonely & alone. I have been praying about this for what seems like forever, with no answer in sight. I don't wish to spend the remainder of my life alone. I do quite often feel that no man would want me. Why would they when I have a list of chronic health problems that make my life difficult, & I can't work, or do much of anything some days, any more?! I also feel like, what person would want to start a friendship with someone in my situation?! Can you just imagine how much fun I can be some days?! I've thought a lot about moving .... but how?! I have no car & I'm on a small, fixed income. I feel trapped & alone & like God either doesn't hear me or for some reason unknown to me is testing me & I'm failing repeatedly. I do believe, though, on my good days, that I still have a lot to offer someone .... either for a love relationship or a friendship. I just need someone else to discover this fact, too.
So, there's my sad story. Does anyone care? I have no idea. Maybe someone will pray for me?
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